How To Quickly Build Rapport With Anyone
I got the idea for this blog from Vinh Giang’s youtube shorts, and have tried to explain his teaching + my own personal experiences. So this blog is dedicated to him. He is one of my favorite communication skills teachers and if you want to learn comm skills, you oughta check him out*
Are you able to develop a connection with people within minutes?
Cause if you are, congratulations. Building instant rapport with someone is a highly valuable skill, and can bring you countless opportunities. As the common saying goes, “It’s not what you know, but who you know”, and thus building connections with people on the fly is a great skill to have.
But if you are not, don’t worry, cause I got you.
In this article, I will give you four ways to instantly build rapport with people. Applying these tips will instantly 10x your rapport building abilities. So read on -
But first, what is rapport?
Rapport is a connection between two people. It creates harmony. It puts you in sync. It establishes trust between the two people. It puts you on the same page. Conversation flows smoothly and naturally. Consequently, it earns you their favor. A useful thing to learn, isn’t it?
Enough with the introductions. Let’s dive in -
Mirror and Match
The easiest way to build rapport with someone is to match their persona.
Picture this: You see someone at a party that you’d like to talk to. This person has a calm, confident yet serene presence, and talks slowly at a low volume (imagine Timothy Chalamet). You walk up to him and you start shouting
“HEY! I AM NARUTO UZUMAKI, CEO OF KONOHA INDUSTRIES! PLEASURE TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE!”
“What kinda psycho is this guy”, he’ll think.
Or imagine someone like Matthew McConaughey happily talking with their friends, and you walk up to him and in a whiny tone start complaining about the food or the arrangements.
You’d ruin the whole vibe.
So, mirror and match their persona and their style. I am not saying that you should completely alter your personality every time you meet someone. That’d be taxing beyond imagination.
But as Vinh Giang likes to say it, change your gears to be in their frequency range.
Establish yourself as their ally
Show that you are on the same team as them.
If they’re happy about something, share their happiness. If they’re angry, or frustrated at something, validate their frustration, or even better, slander their target of anger. If they’re passionate about something, take a genuine interest in that topic.
Say you’re at a wedding, and this girl you like is frustrated at the decorators for some reason- maybe the lights are not the right color, or the flowers are all over the place, and the color combination of curtains is horrendous. Her friends are telling her to just let it go.
And now you chime in with — “Let it go. These things aren’t that important!”
Great job. Now she’s thinking — “Who the hell is this guy to tell me what to do!”
Or
You could say — “These people can’t do anything correctly! What’s even the point of hiring them anyway, if we still have to take care of these things?”
Now she’s thinking — “This guy gets it!”
You acknowledged her feelings, made her feel understood. That’s really what humans crave. To be understood.
So, actually a good job this time.
From here on you can slip on to some small talk to further develop the connection and make her good graces.
Give genuine and specific compliments
Give a genuine and specific compliment.
“You’re beautiful”
Not a great compliment. Why?
Because it’s lazy. It’s not specific. It’s a compliment you could give to every girl present there. And such compliments reek of ingenuity. She’s beautiful, alright. But what makes her beautiful? Is it her eyes? Is it her hair? Perhaps her makeup, or jewelry, or outfit? Perhaps it’s her grace, her behavior.
Whatever it is, compliment that, specifically.
“Your hair is looking beautiful! Did you get it straightened?”
Much better. Try not to come off as a creep though. And this part is a bit hard, because what differentiates creepiness from charisma is generally good looks + how you carry yourself. The exact same words could be perceived as smooth or creepy, depending on how the other person feels about you. This is just a reality, don’t fight it, and don’t be bitter about it.
If you are scared of coming off as a creep, steer clear of complimenting looks. Instead compliment their manners, or skill in something. That’s a much safer option.
Put them in the spotlight
Talk about their interests, and their passions. Do not make the conversation about you. Put them in the spotlight.
A princess was said to have remarked about Benjamin Disraeli (this guy should be one of your heroes if you want to learn the art of charm) — “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England. But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest woman in England.”
This is a clear illustration of putting oneself in focus, versus putting the other person in focus.
It’s unbearable to talk to a self-obsessed person, whose own voice is the sweetest thing in the world for him, and who cares for no one’s opinion but himself.
Don’t be that guy.
A common advice is to ask questions to find common ground. I strictly advise against it. If you continue this path, there’s a high chance you’ll end up bombarding them with questions and the conversation will become an interrogation.
There goes your rapport.
“So what do you suggest I do?”
Glad you asked. What works amazingly well for me is to keep the conversation about their interests. In a few minutes, the common interests are revealed on their own. At that point, I jump at the chance and switch the topic to that.
If what they’re talking about is too dull for you, switch to something else. There will be plenty of hyperlinks in the conversation. For example -
P1: *is rambling on about work and offices* and we just opened a new office in <xyz city>
You: Oh, I’ve heard about that city. But I’ve never been there. Have you been?
Poof. Topic switched. It’s that easy. You gotta listen though, or you’ll miss these chances.
Today you learnt how to quickly build rapport with anyone. But just reading is not enough. Remember, as with any skill, you have to practice your social skills.
Don’t be afraid to suck. Be afraid of not trying.
